But no more.

Our big boss Z continues to be off due to sickness so I wasn't expecting the "either you are with us or you can leave" speech so soon. I got it from my boss today. I have never heard the words loyalty and trust this often in a course of 90 minutes. Then, we just sat there for minutes saying nothing. I was just starring into my screen. The scenario became unreal when the sun settled and we sat in an almost dark room. Complete silence except for the call to loyalty every now and again. And sentences like: "You can be as smart and good as you want to. If we cannot trust you, we can no longer work together." I had hardly anything to say. One reason was I didn't really have much ammunition to justify myself, the other main reason was that I simply didn't have the strength anymore. This has been going on for weeks and at some point you just lack the will to say one more word.

The speech by my boss was only the conclusion of two stormy days at the office.

Last night, I had a two-hour talk with X and his most trusted employee Y. The kind of talk where everything comes onto the table and where you let your guards down. I did. X and Y did. We were very open with each other. I didn't tell one lie but I basically sold my bosses last night. I had to decide between loyalty and my conscience and I opted for what I feel is right. X is a politician. A good speaker. When he talks, you listen and you get caught up with his ideas. He is a man with visions and I can't say how much I am drawn to him having goals and believing in something. You don't find people like that in the government and now he goes and showers me with attention and compliments. I can't resist that and I don't want to. I couldn't even if I wanted to. He just completely pulled me over onto his side and while we argue about details, we have common goals and I can't go back to believing in nothing for the sake of loyalty. For the sake of my current job. X didn't offer me a job last night. Nothing except for what we talked about recently and which I hope my bosses will allow. When we parted last night, I had hoped things were going to be peaceful. We basically agreed to work together as closely as we could and if that required conspiring at times so be it. But, there was a promise from him that he would do nothing to hurt me. He promised that nothing he did was going to get traced back to me.

But then, he apparently changed his mind over night. It was about 9.30 this morning when my boss basically stormed into my room and asked what exactly it was I had told X. He wanted an urgent meeting with her relating to the relationship of their respective parts of the department. I don't think I have ever had so much blood flood to my head in a matter of two seconds. LOL. I didn't really know what to say. I admitted that I had talked to him last night but that I couldn't think of anything he might want from her. It was a bad lie and she knew it. She left the room, I picked up the phone, frantically trying to reach X. Got told he is in a meeting. Out of desparation, I call Y and I beg her to make sure that he doesn't say a word to my boss before getting back to me. I swear, at this point, I was really scared. I didn't understand why he needed to do this. Talking to my boss about what we perceive is her throwing rocks in my way would hardly make it better. All it would achieve is that she knows I am talking interna with X.

Y promised me to grab X before he could do anything that would surely result in disaster. I thanked her and in a rare personal moment she said: "Don't be scared. You are doing the right thing. Sometimes, we need to follow our conscience. It will be okay." I didn't believe her at that moment but I was still glad for the support. X called me as soon as he was back from his meeting. I went over to his office. I begged, urged and pleaded with him not to talk to my boss. To no avail. He said the current situation requires a solution. That he had barely slept last night. That the entire drama was keeping both of us from doing our job. I had given up at this point. He said: "I am going over to your boss now and either she is going to give me full and constant access to you and your work, direct communication at all times with no limits whatsoever or I am going to hire you so that you will work for me." He didn't ask if I wanted to work for him. I did say that I would get hurt, that I am going to be regarded as a traitor. He replied that we could keep the conflict lingering for months or face the facts now. I eventually accepted that I wasn't going to hold him back. When I wanted to advice him on how to talk to my boss, he got impatient with me and said he is going to handle it and then he went over to his phone to call my boss and I left. I felt betrayed at this point. In a way, a solution is better than months or years of conspiration but I remembered his promise not to get me into trouble ever and I knew I was going to be in trouble because he is the last man you would call sensible. I knew how he was going to talk to my boss.

I shut the door to his room fully expecting to get slaughtered before the end of the day. I called Dirk to meet him. He was busy so I just walked out of our department to avoid having to talk to anyone. I didn't want to go back in. I didn't think I had it in me. Of course, I eventually had to.

By 2 p.m., I was hopeless. I had walked by my boss on the floor and she hadn't looked me in the eye or said a word. Then, my phone rang. It was X. I didn't pick up. I was mad and scared and I didn't wanna hear what he had to say. Five minutes later, in an e-mail, he said that he had spoken to my boss and that she had agreed to the first of his two alternative suggestions: direct access and communication at all times. He also asked me to call him back or come over. I didn't. Mostly, because he should have been in another meeting by then. But he had skipped that one for whatever reason and walked into my office instead. It must have been 3 p.m. by then. I just gave him a defeated look. He shortly told me about his meeting with my boss. He tried to reassure me that things will be okay from now on. That she had agreed to what he had asked for. Call it blackmail. She didn't really have much of a choice. I just said this is still gonna hurt my reputation because she knows exactly that you planned this with my support. I said if they didn't consider me a traitor until today, they will now. He didn't really have an answer to that. He said I will be okay, that we got what we wanted. At a heavy price, I replied.

Eventually, he left giving me a weak smile knowing that I was upset with him but still utterly convinced he had done the right thing. He just said: "I am going home now. Maybe you should do the same." Yeah right. I can't escape my boss no matter when I go home.

I will see him again tomorrow morning. We have a meeting at 9.30 and a common presentation at 11. Both in my boss' presence. I don't know who fixed our schedules this week. LOL

By 4 p.m., my boss was talking to me again, avoiding the obvious. Eventually, I told her not to keep me waiting any longer and that's when the whole loyalty debate started. I honestly don't know if we can fix this. I know Z will not be able to forgive me for conspiring with X. If she learns the details of everything that happened, I have very difficult weeks ahead of me. I have silently said goodbye today to both my A-evalution that Z needs to sign and the offer from X to work for him (the part-time offer). I don't think anyone within my part of the organization will still do anything for me. And why would they?

X said a few weeks ago that I shouldn't become a martyr in all this. But that's exactly what happened. We won. And yet we lost tremendously. X really owes me a job now.

Am I mad at him? I certainly am but then I have only myself to blame because I should have known he isn't sensible. He does what it takes. He felt it was the right thing to do for both of us. I said it's not and he still went ahead.

Just before I left office at 6, I sent him an e-mail letting him know that everything that has happened today and during the last month had taken a toll on me and that we needed to go back to work and stop fighting these useless wars. I told him that I appreciated his concern and every single one of his compliments but that he had made it very difficult for me to look my bosses in the eye after today. I also told him that I hope we can talk tomorrow. In a way, I want him to say sorry. But he believes what he did was right and the best for both of us. I want him to understand that it's not that easy.

So, until next time, I am signing off.