I am home now. I don't feel all too well. I had a long talk with my boss (B) this evening lasting more than two hours I think. I guess if we had had this talk earlier, maybe what happened today needn't have happened. But it did and the damage is done and some people really got hurt. I like to think what has happened isn't my fault but if I am honest, I wanted some sort of solution. I wanted things to go my way. They did. X and I got what we wanted. It's just that I don't feel like a winner. I guess B's grace tonight puts me to shame. She was very open with me. I was trying to be open also about my relationship with X and she understands. She understands why I am so vulnerable to his requests and praise and who knows what else. He just makes me feel important, understood and appreciated. Because of him, I am learning new things. She understands that he can offer me things she can't. She said, as much as it would disappoint her, she could understand if I was switching to him. B said, after last night, she was somehow expecting an official request from me to be allowed to go over to X on her desk this morning. I said I don't have any plans like that but I was honest enough to admit that it's not something I cannot imagine. I promised her that as long as I have an interesting and demanding job with her, I am going to stay.

I know that Z and B could have easily pulled the plug on me and my career in this department today. The fact that they didn't lets me know that they do care after all. I was being told today that I am going to get an A in my upcoming evaluation. I know that, while I deserve an A in some respects, it's something they need not have done. I said to my boss, I can easily live with a B-Rating, that a B is actually what I deserve because I have some serious character flaws but she said no one is perfect and that I do deserve it. Minus the flaws, I guess I do.

There's many other things we touched on in our talk tonight. She admitted that she doesn't like the fact that she is being by-passed this often by other people at the office but she understands why people are coming to me. She said she would do the same in their position. She also said that she is sometimes seriously considering leaving because there is hardly anything she can do that I can't do just as well or better. I actually felt bad about that and told her: I wouldn't want myself as an employee either. We laughed about that but we both knew I was right.

I dunno where things are going. I speak to X a lot and it's nice to know that he would actually start a war for me but I am going to stay where I am for now. I have found new respect today for Z, but especially for B. And I have learned that loyalty is something I really need to learn. Because ambition isn't everything.

So, these are my reflections on a stormy day. I am going to request a personal meeting with Z to apologize for all the old wounds I have opened with my impatience. But I am also going to keep working with X because I still love my job and I want to keep it that way.