As I start writing this it is 2 am. I went home to Dresden with my parents from Munich. It took us 5 hours by car. I guess I always knew this weekend was going to be sad, heartbreaking and very painful.

After spending almost four weeks in hospital, my grandma, one of five people in this world I love, got moved into the intensive care unit this afternoon. My sister, who out of everyone I ever met is probably the kindest, most wonderful human being I've ever known, was there. She was there every day in the past four weeks that started with a minor op and eventually, this past week, progressed to something the doctors apparently aren't able to control or even diagnose. My grandma is only a shadow of the person she was a week ago and even then she wasn't well.

I haven't seen her since July.

I knew all week I needed to go home this weekend. I will stay as long as I can even if that means flying expensive flights or going back and forth.

I still got some hope but we all know and feel that she could be dying because she's been getting so much worse so very quickly these past couple of days.

She's in pain and she can't breathe well.

My mom, dad, brother and I - we're all 500 kilometres away. My mom working 14 hours a day. My sister has been here alone visiting my grandma every day carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders. I have been worrying constantly. I've been afraid of calling at night to ask my sister on updates. I knew that I wouldn't be receiving any good news. And I can only imagine what my sister went through this past week, and especially today.

I don't want this blog to sound like my grandma is already gone. I love my granny with all my heart and I so wish she will be okay. But I don't know. I feel for my mom who can't be there as often as she wants to for her mother because she's got this job. This job she wanted so much and that is right now taking more out of her than she has. At the worst possible time. With my family working in Munich, living in Dresden, needing to move but not finalizing a house deal. And my grandma being so ill...

I am tired. I drove most of the way home. I am afraid of seeing my grandma tomorrow but at the same time I cannot wait to see her. No matter what happens, I don't want her to suffer. I want her to get well.

Good night.